I am sorry..

Recently, i just made you feel sad for so many times.. I mean like i just feel so hurtful everytime i made you sad.. it happened daily.. even like today.. I don't even know what happened.. we seems to be quite happy today with each other's company.. Your note in facebook really made me realized you really love me.. and also like you said you don't need a boyfriend. Cause i know that around you you have so many friends who care for you. So even if i am not there it might be okay for you too.. Last few days there isn't a day where i can rest well.. I just woke up at midnight and look at my phone, scared that i will miss you smses.. This morning you were just so cold.. Like it feels so useless for me to be there.. I hug you for 1 hour.. 1 complete hour whereby i hug you so tight.. I thought it makes a difference.. But maybe it just didn't change anything.. you were still sad with me and even after i hug you for 1 hour you still don't feel like talking to me.. I hate that kind of feelings.. it is worse than you being sad or angry with me.. last time you were sad that i seems to ignore you.. You were angry.. Maybe i want to be angry too that you did this to me.. Cause i really thought you would understand after i said so long.. Like you can accept me being the way i am although i am quite childish by being scared of certain things.. I told you cause i thought you might be the only one who can understand and accept me that way.. I knew you understood.. But ya maybe you just couldn't accept your bf in that way.. Ya maybe i am not so manly and stuff with so much weird traits such as being childish a lot of times, scared of things that everyone believes it doesn't exist.. I just thought that you can accept me.. But you couldn't.. I didn't dare to say out but i am just sad that you couldn't.. Cause i never want to tell anyone else about that and i told you because i was thinking there is really no need to hide anything from you and i was thinking that you can accept it.. But you can't.. I know i don't have the right to be sad.. You have expectations for your bf and i should meet them to be your bf to make you happy.. I just thought that those aren't as important as long as you understand and accept me as how i am... I hope you won't read this cause i am just ranting to no one but myself.. I wouldn't tell anyone else about this.. All our problems that we encounter i don't want an outsider to help me or sth.. That's why i would never tell ppl abt why we quarrel and stuff.. I am strong in the outside, but really weak in the inside.. I can just cry so easily you also know.. Ya i am not manly.. I just don't have all those an ideal guy should have... I just appear to be more childish and maybe girly in some sense.. Like being super sensitive and always know you are sad.. I didn't realize that makes you think that i am even less manly.. I mean like i thought it should be a v good thing cause to you there is someone who can always sense your sadness.. But in some ways it might not be good as well.. Okay enough of ranting i have to go do my hmw now.. I am dying this week because of my hmw.. If you see this, just to let you know i have never ever like studying also..In my life, i have never want to study. I am also dying with so much stress in my studies.. I know it might not be as much as you.. I know that i should understand and i do now how much stress you feel, from the ppl around you, from expectations from others.. I want to go to the same uni as you, but it is so difficult.. You are a thousand miles in front of me and now i have 1 year to get to you. If i succeed, i might be able to be with you forever.. If i fail, then maybe it is time that i have to say bye bye and let you go although i never ever want to.. Life isn't as simple as we think. In your world, there are so many ppl who can affect you. But you know in my world now, i can only see you. I can even convince my parents that i want to go US just because of you.. They are always against that.. I also told my parents i might want to go to your country to work and stay with you.. I know they aren't really happy with that too.. They are building a banglow and they will want me or my brothers or sister to stay with them. And i know since young, i have been the more obeying son towards my parents and they really expect me to stay with them and take care of them.. I will also have a room by myself which i have never experience before in this 17-18 years. But maybe i will have to give up all those if i am with you. So what? If i live in a banglow where it is so comfortable but i won't be happy if you are not with me.. There are other people who matters to me.. As much as you. Like my parents. I want to take care of them.. I can't stop my tears from dropping when i think of my father who has became so old over these years.. Okay i not sure what i am talking about and i think i should just stop typing.. I hope that no one will see this post cause no one will really understand this.. Except you..

Love always,
your bf.