I lost many things in the past, now i lose everything... When i turned back, to me, there isn't anything left anymore. The footsteps might still be seen, I not sure. To others, every footsteps are still there; To me, I can't see any, or maybe i am just closing my eyes. I not sure whether i let everything leaves me, or i really lose everything... I have no faith in myself, in everything... I no longer know who i am anymore...

倒带－萧敬腾

我受够了等待你所谓的安排
说的未来到底多久才来
总是要来不及才知道我可爱
我想依赖而你却都不在
应该开心的地带 你给的全是空白
一个人假日发呆 找不到人陪我看海
我在幸福的门外 却一直都进不来
你累积给的伤害 我是真的很难释怀
终於看开爱回不来 而你总是太晚明白
最后才把话说开 哭着求我留下来
终於看开爱回不来 我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开 宁愿没出息求我别离开

你总是要我乖慢慢计划将来
我的眼泪却一直掉下来
过去怎麽交代你该给的信赖
被你亲手缓缓推入悬崖
从我脸上的苍白 看到记忆慢下来
过去甜蜜在倒带 只是感觉已经不在
而我对你的期待 被你一次次摔坏
已经碎成太多块 要怎麽拼凑跟重来
终於看开爱回不来 而你总是太晚明白
最后才把话说开 哭着求我留下来
终於看开爱回不来 我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开 宁愿没出息求我别离开

终於看开爱回不来 而你总是太晚明白
最后才把话说开 哭着求我留下来
终於看开爱回不来 我们面前太多阻碍
你的手却放不开 宁愿没出息求我别离开

No one seems to understand me =) I left her cause i think it is better to her. She said it won't and my friend said i think too much. I decided that after quite long time of thinking, weighing all the possibilities and all the benefits for her. She don't know that it will somehow be better without me because she still loves me a lot and i know. No one understand why i did that. My friends' response were "You are screwed up" or "What the Hell". I am just an alien in this planet where everyone doesn't understand me and why i did this and everyone is probably thinking it is my fault to hurt her and everything. I am glad that everyone is so concern with her. I know my close friends are concern with me too, but they still don't understand. I think no one will really understand me that way. No one is supporting me for the reason i came up to break up with her. I think like my friend said"Your brain is screwed up to think like that la.". I know my friends are trying to console me by telling me things like that and don't want me to blame myself for everything. However, I know that it is my fault caused i initiated that break up and obviously everyone is more concerned about her and feels that she is hurt and i am not.

I have no idea why she kept hurting me these few days. She did many immature stuffs which made me worry. My friend told me not to care about her but i can't don't care about her totally. I don't understand why can't she just accept my reason and try to move on instead of doing this to me. Last time when she went out with someone else, what i did was just silently allowed her. She knew i was sad but she did that anyway. After that, she daoed me for about one week. I still smsed her when i got impatient because i really couldn't concentrate doing things without clearing that from my mind. When she made up her mind, she told me and said sorry to me. What I responded was "It is okay =) As long as we are still together". I never did anything to try to hurt her. Now, ya, i hurt her by breaking up with her. But why can't she just understand and accept my decision? She keeps sending me smses to hurt me. I don't understand. Why can't we just have a peaceful break up? Why can't she understand that i really shouldn't meet her right now? Why can't she just learn to live alone instead of keep bugging me all the time? When she hurt me last time, I never do anything to hurt her because i don't want her to get hurt. When she wanted to break up with me last time i just cried silently...... Maybe to protect herself, she has to hurt me, with all the immature things that she did....

She really didn't know that she killed my heart when i know that now, she still wants to meet him. She said she can't guarantee that she won't meet him, even though she already promised she won't meet him anymore. She never realized that she broke this promise which left a deathblow on me. In return, I feel i couldn't hold on any promises for her anymore. I broke many promises not to hurt her, but because i don't want to hold them on anymore. She didn't know how i think by listening to the song "Unfaithful". She didn't know she killed me so easily. Everything just couldn't work out after that. She didn't know how difficult it is for me to accept her past and that incident which hurt me very very badly but I still could smile back and hug her just after she apologized. Maybe she felt that i am strong inside. My heart is dead. I don't believe in love anymore. I still don't know how hard i have tried which made me so exhausted but she could still think that i never really try. She wouldn't know how much she had hurt me throughout this year, and she wouldn't know that i had been bleeding all the time and the wound just couldn't heal.

................

i'm having a really really bad headache

and i miss u like crazy

but it's just too late

to save me now.

even if u come on a white horse again.